I’m listening to this music that reminds me of you and this is a letter for you even though you’ll never read it

you’re driving me crazy.

i have a headache and it’s put me in a frenzy

i want to create to create to create to create to create to create to create

something

ripping out random pieces of cardboard

tacking them to the wall and then

taking them down

endless tubes of paint

i can’t find the colors i want

endless empty pages spiraled together invite me to spiral out of control

like i still have any

i can’t form a coherent stream of words that will bring me to you

and i can’t perform the song in my heart in a voice that will bring you to me

just the voice in my head into the words on this page

i still can’t find a canvas big enough

pencil sharp enough

a pen dark enough

cup of coffee endless enough

to satisfy the throbbing in my head that pounds at the back of my eyes

like a metaphor that wants to get out but just can’t figure the combination for the satisfying click of liberation that unlocks the door and sets it free

i can’t remember a time when i wasn’t even a little tired

i can’t remember a time when my eyes didn’t burn even a little bit

i can’t remember a time when the dark circles under my eyes weren’t highlighted by the crust of eyeliner on my lids and the gooey sediment of the same material that rests in the corner of my tear ducts like a piece of spinach in your teeth that becomes the one being spoken to

but never does anyone tell it that it shouldn’t be there

never does anyone tell you that you have a little something

right

there

never does anyone address the dark sediment

never does anyone address the dark with sentiment

there’s something on the inside that wants to get out and i want to let it out but i can’t let it out until i let someone in and i can’t let someone in until they want to come in and no one will want to come in unless i

somehow

can sing these words in a pretty voice with strings under under my fingers and my hair pinned up and my guard let down a flowing dress embracing my hips some rouge on my lips rhymes flirting with my tongue a wrinkle in my nose and my bright eyes close as i hit that note

the only note you’d ever read because it’s being thrown in your face

like a brick fallen from the cosmos that you think has you seeing stars

when really you’ve just walked into a wall

You’d never go looking for this letter

filled with notes upon notes pulled from the strings of my heart that play the song i can’t let out of my head

I hope you keep seeing stars.