what else is new?

I’m always supposed to be doing homework

I’m always supposed to be thinking about the things my syllabi tells me to think about and

don’t get me wrong. I enjoy doing that. I recognize and relish in the value of grabbing at the information floating around in the nebula that is human consciousness. But sometimes,

sometimes I can’t concentrate on it.

It really bothers me what human beings allow to bother them. Like this, right now. I’m bothered that people get bothered. I’m falling into it, and somewhere up there or even over my shoulder on a parallel plane and out of my sight, Something is laughing at me. Something is laughing at all of us. But right now, Human egocentrism and my flaming cheeks inspired by the social mortification I’ve just thrown myself into and staggered humiliatingly out of won’t settle for anything but the pre-operational notion that it’s only laughing at me.

But really, that Something is laughing at all of us.

I’ve been thinking about it, lately. Human nature and Human Consciousness are two separate things. And then there’s that Something that we all look for

that meaning, for everything in the Universe to ever mean anything, ever. That

Something.

It’s right under our noses, yet we stretch our consciousnesses to the heavens, to the stars, to the things we can’t see and things we only feel and effects with no clear causes, and sometimes, we get distracted. Well, we get distracted a lot, because when you think about it, the pursuit to Figuring it All Out is more important than actually Figuring It Out. We discover so much more. We expand our Consciousness.

You’d think that instead of evading our Consciousness, the Something would pull something to trip us up lest we become stronger than it. Unless, the Something wants to be swallowed up and put to rest, because it’s weak and tired and lonely and has ALMOST given up because of all

that

waiting.

But not quite, because it didn’t get that mystique for nothing.

But not at all, because it’s having a good time watching us try— having a good time watching us cry.

It’s having a good time watching the perpetual power struggle between Human Consciousness and Human Nature. Who will win?

I just had it. I just. Had it. I went up to order a sandwich, and I’ve lost it somewhere along the way back to this table I’m sitting at where I can see the quad emptying out for the weekend, like the last dregs of that realization I just had. I guess sometimes Physiology likes to pinch-hit. For the sake of this spiel, I’m throwing it out of the game because there’s almost nothing more infuriating than having a thought that grabs you and shakes you, waking you up to something, only to have Someone(thing) run by and violently steal the ball.

Foul play.

Though, I suppose I got lucky only getting a grumbling stomach, when the Something usually doles out a lot worse the closer you get to pulling its curtain back to see who the wizard really is.

Like, what if every death that wasn’t at the hands of the atrocities of human nature, actually came from that omnipotent Something? What if our life force is our consciousness and the relationship between it and the entirety of Human Consciousness? What if when someone died, there was just something in them that couldn’t keep trekking through the consciousness? Something in them that said “I don’t know.”

“I give up.”

“Stop.”

“Enough.”

Or, the curious, excited buzz just died down

and they followed shortly after

where they were greeted by Something, and it told them what who how when where why ever everything that it is

and the eerie silence they had upon the death of the buzz became a satisfied silence of satisfied satisfaction, and they saw why no one could ever know Something. And then their energy was released back into the Nebula of Human Consciousness.

Though, it’s not fair to take into account all the brilliant minds that died suddenly and before it could possibly be their time, only to chalk it up to their internal buzz of curiosity for Something, just dying down.

Maybe they were the closest to figuring Something out.

Maybe Something panics and can’t have that, so we can’t have them.

Did they get the same treatment upon Death? Or were they immediately disposed of, lest their energy be contaminated with too much knowledge? Their Consciousness too superior to their Nature?

“…energy can neither be created nor be destroyed: it can be transformed from one form to another or transferred from one place to another.”

They can’t be disposed of, which is why there are always going to be untimely, unjust, unknown causes of death in this world.

Just like there is always going to be the Something that can’t be known but its balance will be felt.

Is the Something actually just a messenger? 

Is the Something actually Nothing?

Is the Something a destination disguised as a catcher in the rye

to throw us back into the Consciousness to keep the cycle going—

To tell us that finding it is not as important as all the somethings we find on our journey to unveil that Something

because finding that Something and throwing it into the Consciousness will break it

we will all know

we will think there is nothing else to know

our buzz will be quelled

our life-force will run down

Human Nature will win out and we will all,

we will all be Nothing.

Maybe I’m overestimating Human Consciousness and cosmic activity and the Something is still laughing at me over my shoulder, feeling victorious for sending that mere rumble to my stomach that threw me so far off track. But at least it’s not laughing at me for something as silly as letting social interactions with the opposite sex take my mind off of grabbing from the nebula.

And at least I’m still here.